Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Don't worry about what people think; they do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
The most destructive force in the universe is hatred.
Your friends love you anyway.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Photo: "Tortoise in Camden Aquarium," by L. Trecroce